WHETHER YOU ARE a member of the LGBTQ+ community or not, much of the language surrounding queer intimacy and sex has become common knowledge over the past decade. From top, bottom or versatile, people of all identities and sexualities are learning more and more about the individual ways we all experience sex, resulting in many of us having a better time in the bedroom than ever before.
But there’s one term that’s still breaking through into common parlance despite its growing community: the side.
Queer dating app Grindr added side to its list of available sexual positions that one can identify with in 2022, signalling an uptick in the number of queer people resonating with the term. But what does it mean to identify as a side as a queer person, and why are more and more people using the term?
What Is a Side?
A term often used by men who have sex with men, a person who identifies as a side is a person who doesn’t have a desire to partake in anal penetration (both receiving or giving) when having sex.
“Side” was coined by Dr. Joe Kort, a queer sex therapist, in 2013. Kort shared that he wanted to popularize the term to help queer people who don’t enjoy anal penetration feel a sense of community, and create space for them to be honest about their sexual preferences. As a side, he experienced and observed shaming language from fellow queer people about not wanting to have anal sex, including being asked if he was a virgin, or what was wrong with him, in the process leading to him feeling ashamed for not wanting to engage in penetrative anal sex.
Speaking in 2013, Kort shared that anal sex is often the “ultimate peak of sexual gratification” for many queer men, and that as a side, he sees orgasm as being merely “the destination and it’s the journey that really makes the experience interesting”. It’s a space to learn about one’s sexual identity in a way that is free from expectation.
What Makes You a Side?
Despite myths that queer people are ‘born to be’ a top, bottom or versatile in the bedroom, it’s simply not true that people are predestined to play a specific role when it comes to sex. It’s also not attributed to ideas of masculinity or femininity, which are thoughts and beliefs many LGBTQ+ people can hold onto, often leading to shame that can prevent them from exploring the myriad of sexual experiences on offer to them.
For sides, they may not want to partake in anal sex for reasons that are personal to them, or have a history of partaking in anal sex because they felt they ‘had’ to due to being queer.
For example, there may be medical reasons why it’s not possible, such as if someone has had surgery on their prostate. Or, they may have experienced sexual violence or rape in the past that has left them not wanting to engage in anal sex. Or they may just not enjoy it — which is reason enough! What’s most important is that we listen to those we are having sex with when they identify that they’re a side, we hear them, and we respect their sexual preference.
Can You Go From Being a Side to Being a Top or a Bottom?
Like all sexual identities and experiences, they may change over time, or they may stay the same, and that’s completely OK. It may be that you identify as a side now, and a top in the future, or vice versa – or never at all. Seeing our position in the bedroom as something that has the possibility to change over time allows us to not see sex as something that’s so binary or set in stone. But equally, somebody’s sexual preference remaining the same is worthy of the same level of respect and dignity.
So What Do ‘Sides’ Enjoy Sexually?
Put simply – someone who identifies as a side may enjoy a plethora of sexual activities, as there are many sexual experiences they can have that don’t include penetrative anal sex. For example, centering a sexual experience around oral sex, or mutual masturbation, or kissing may be preferable. Much like being a top or a bottom, there’s not a set list of sexual activities that one ‘must like’ in order to be a side. As is the beauty of sex, it’s up to the individual.
What Is It Actually Like To Have Sex As A Side?
As Kort mentioned, sex as a side can often involve longer opportunities for intimacy that are only briefly explored in foreplay, such as oral sex or kissing. Physical touch and thinking about what pleasure each person within the sexual experience wants is ultimately the most important part, and that remains true whether you’re a side or not.
Author and sexual wellness creator Calum McSwiggan shared how his experience as a side doesn’t have to mean that his sex life is boring. Speaking to Pink News, McSwiggan identified that “Whether experimenting with sex toys, role play, or BDSM, there’s a whole world of sex that two guys can enjoy that doesn’t revolve around penetration”.
Comedian Michael Henry also created a tongue-in-cheek tutorial on what it means to be a side, providing the perfect balance of comedy and education to inform his audience of over 188,000 subscribers, and debunking myths in the process.
So, if you’ve ever felt that you don’t want to engage in penetrative anal sex and felt shame for not being queer enough, know that there is a burgeoning community of queer folk who identify as a side that will be able to welcome you with open arms, and help you explore your own unique sexual desires in a safe and affirming way.
