As many as 69 percent of Americans don’t feel they are getting enough emotional support. There are several reasons for this discrepancy. Participation in organized activities, including religious gatherings, is on the decline, and many communities lack accessible public or civic venues where people can routinely meet. While electronic forms of communication can facilitate connections, they also make it easier to stay home and to avoid personal encounters. Rising numbers of Americans also live alone, and only half of us say we live within an hour’s drive of extended family members. The result is that many of us feel lonely, even when surrounded by people.

Our dissatisfaction with our social support may also be influenced by exposure to social media. In our media-driven world, it is easy to feel that other people are doing more or having more fun than we are, which can negatively affect our mood and mental states. Of course, we don’t know what people in other eras thought of their social support because we weren’t tracking those factors then. But we do know that higher expectations also afford more opportunities for disappointment.

Regardless of the causes for our loneliness, it behooves us to think about what we need and how we might do a better job of connecting, as individuals and as a society. This is not a simple process since different situations require different types of support. While classifications of social support vary across studies and theories, psychologists Carolyn Cutrona and Daniel Russell postulate five key types of interpersonal support. These are emotional support, social integration, esteem support, tangible aid, and informational support. According to their theory of optimal matching, we are most satisfied when the type of support we are offered is consistent with our perceived needs. Perhaps it is worth reflecting on how these types of support might play in our lives.

1. Emotional support refers to providing caring and concern. When we are experiencing conflict in our relationships, struggles at work, or questions about our lifestyle, we turn to our friends or family for reassurance. Often their support gives us the confidence we need to manage the situation. If those around us are critical and unsupportive, it can increase our sense of stress. However, if the people you turn to consistently fail to provide the support that you need, it may mean you need to find other people to turn to.
2. Social integration refers to the fact that for many of us, belonging to a group or network of other people helps us feel safe and valued. Whether we identify with fans of a rock band, a sports team, a school, a company, a religion, or a political group, believing that others value what we do can be reassuring, especially in times of uncertainty. Of course, not all social groups are supportive, and being excluded from a group we want to join can be painful. But actively seeking opportunities to connect can make a huge difference to our mental health.
3. Esteem support refers to support that reassures us of our own worth. This form of support is important when we question our own abilities or value as a person. After a romantic breakup, failure to achieve a goal, or error in judgment, we often need someone who knows us to help us put the situation into perspective and help avoid catastrophizing, or letting the setback discourage us from trying again. This support can come from people we know well, but may also stem from people with expertise around us. Having a teacher, a coach, a religious leader, or a therapist encourage us can be key to avoiding a depressive spiral after a disappointment.
4. Tangible aid refers to the sorts of support we all need on occasion. It’s the person who helps you pick up the things you dropped in the grocery store, the friend who gives you a ride when your car battery dies, the family member who lends you money for a down payment, and so on. Sometimes the support comes from someone you know well, and sometimes from a stranger, but the key is that the person offered you the help you needed, at the moment you needed it. When we experience adversity in the form of health issues, job losses, and other events, we may find that the people who support us aren’t always the ones we thought would be there for us. That can be discouraging, although unexpected acts of kindness can also be encouraging.
5. Informational support refers to the sharing of information, advice, or guidance when we need it. This is especially important when we are trying to navigate complex or unfamiliar situations. Having an advisor, mentor, or coach can be the difference between succeeding in college, a job, or a sport.

Of course, recognizing the type of social support you need and obtaining it are two different things, but in a country beset with loneliness, figuring out what we lack is the first step in solving the problem. If we can determine what we need, we can then think about how best to meet that need. Do we need to broaden our social network by making an effort to meet new people? Should we increase our access to tangible support or a sense of belonging by finding new groups to join? Would it help to seek a mentor at work or school? In some cases, we may need to reduce the time we spend with people who fail to provide reasonable support or those who undermine our well-being. It may also be necessary to manage our social media-driven expectations for support, and to work on building our own self-esteem rather than relying on external validation. The bottom line is that improving our social support benefits both our physical and mental health.