Mental health issues are a high priority today, and given the statistics related to Americans making use of mental health services, there should be many of us working as providers. But there aren’t enough therapists in parts of the U.S. to meet the overwhelming need. Topping off the shortage of providers, most of those offering mental health services fail to get the support they need and deserve.
The promise of confidentiality extended to clients leaves providers alone, isolated, with no one to talk to as they deal with clients’ difficult problems. Therapists can’t go home at the end of the day, eager to phone their best friend to unload worries about those clients who seemed particularly depressed or anxious during sessions mere hours before. It’s unethical –and for most professionals, it’s illegal– to talk to anyone about their clients, unless they’ve hired a licensed professional, an expert in the same field or profession.
Following years of training and hours of experience acquired during internships and post-licensure, many of us believed we should be able to work independently. We may have thought needing a consultant indicated weakness.
Instead, knowing how to use regular consultation despite lengthy training and years of experience may be a sign of strength.
When Something Goes Wrong
Martin, a 36-year-old client, happily married and working as a project manager at a large tech company, used to talk easily; he always had plenty to say. But recently he’s been withdrawn, growing silent or even irritable. You think he’s depressed and he knows it, but he’s avoiding a meaningful discussion. You can’t seem to do anything “right”; his sessions seem to have stalled.
Another client, Anna, has been canceling sessions, giving you phony excuses. You get it; she doesn’t want to take time out of her day. Maybe you failed a test; you missed it. Or maybe she just doesn’t feel like talking to you.
You feel like a failure when you know clients are lying, making up absurd excuses or lengthy explanations as to why they had to cancel. Describing the glitches in a therapy—that a therapist can safely do in consultation—is likely to help her figure out when and where her interventions may have been less than ideally effective.
Marjorie, a client you’ve been coaching for several months seems stuck. Quite abruptly, the skills she’s been learning appear to escape her. As her coach, you find yourself worried, frustrated, angry, or simply confused. You know that something’s gone wrong.
The rules of confidentiality mean you can’t discuss these roadblocks with anyone unless you work with a professional consultant in your field, or your own psychotherapist. Most of you—whatever helping profession you belong to—don’t. You terminated your own therapy years ago. You didn’t believe you still needed it.
Even Therapists Need Someone to Talk To
Psychotherapists, psychiatrists, counselors, and coaches are dealing with problems in living, offering clinical and research consultation, supervision, professional guidance, skills training, and personal psychotherapy to people who need someone to talk to. Many mental health providers, counselors and coaches work alone, and, in accord with the confidentiality ethics and law, they can’t talk to anyone about their concerns.
In each of these roles, things can run amuck. The first thing you do is blame yourself. “What did I do wrong?” you ask yourself. Then you cast around your mind, looking for someone else to blame. “It was her sister’s visit; that’s what did her in,” you think darkly.
It’s never too late to find a therapist you can talk to, without violating confidentiality. You disguise the clients you discuss, giving them fictional names.
Understanding your own fundamentally prosocial nature forms the foundation of your work as a provider.
Prosocial behavior is defined as ‘behavior intended to benefit another‘ (Eisenberg et al., 2006). It is characterized by acts of kindness, compassion, and helping behaviors, which many consider to be one of the finest qualities of human nature. (Oxford Dictionary)
On a conscious and unconscious level, you’re driven to help your clients. No matter what personal problems you might be having at home—when you’re with clients, you’re focused on how to help them, though you may be the last to know it.
You may have grown up thinking you’re selfish, a false and maladaptive belief you’ve yet to get rid of.
Almost no one works as a helper because of a selfish unconscious. It’s not a job likely to attract anyone driven by greed and self-centered interests.
Most of you have a long history of serving as the emotional support web, a psychological safety net laying under the needs of family members. As you grew older, you found yourself doing the same with friends and partners. Still, later, you find yourself playing the same role with your colleagues and supervisors at work.
Deep within the unconscious mind, your prosocial nature is the source of all those decisions that led you to a lifetime working with people. But you, like your clients, don’t function best in isolation. But you feel you can’t talk to anyone.
So while you’re waiting, start with self-care:
- Trust yourself. Say your own mantra: “I can trust myself, I’m a prosocial human.”
- At the same time, ask your friends and colleagues for referrals. Find out if any of your colleagues are working with a consultant they like.
- Listen to a few guided meditations on YouTube until you find one you like. Meditate with it once or twice a day, every day.
- Call your physician. Discuss your worries, get some referrals, and check them out. If your physician thinks an antidepressant might help you, go ahead and try it.
- Find a local gym or find a trainer who will come to your home. Or find a web-based class or trainer. Start working out.
- Get a treadmill, a bike, and/or other exercise equipment. Start your own program.
- Try experiential writing.
To Conclude: Even mental health experts need someone to talk to
If you think needing someone to talk to is a sign of failure, think again. Working on our psychological issues is a lifelong project. Helping others work on theirs inevitably brings a whole new collection of problems and dilemmas.
Working closely with people sometimes leads the helpers to feel isolated or confused, and unable to untangle things because they can’t talk about it with anyone. You don’t have to feel this way.
Find an experienced licensed professional, your own helper with whom you can talk freely. Consultation breaks the clinician’s sense of isolation and ultimately helps their clients. It’s a sign of success when you know to hire your own consultant.
To find a therapist near you, consult the Psychology Today Directory
