I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very open and honest about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form!

Dear Sexplain It,

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for almost three years. She’s always struggled with clinical depression, but in the last year, it’s gotten significantly worse. Luckily, she has a pretty chill job where she works from home and doesn’t have to work all that hard.

But she struggles to leave our room. (We live together in a one-bedroom apartment.) We both consider her eating three meals and taking a shower a successful day. She does not accompany me to birthdays, movies, or other events.

She’s in therapy, works with a psychiatrist, and is trying various antidepressant medications, but nothing seems to have any significant impact on her mental well-being.

I’m only 32 and have the rest of my life ahead of me. The idea of being with her, in this state, for the rest of my life sounds unbearable. I really want to break up with her, but what would happen to her? I’d feel so guilty. I’d feel like a major asshole for giving up on the person I love because she’s struggling with mental illness. But what about me? My needs? I’m so torn. Should I break up with her?

— Torn Caretaker

Dear Torn Caretaker,

You’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. There’s no good answer here. If you stay with your girlfriend, there’s a decent likelihood you won’t ever be happy. While there’s a chance she will get better, meanwhile, you’ll likely grow resentful of her. And you’ll perpetually feel like you live in a convalescent home. That isn’t a life I’d wish on anyone.

At the same time, if you leave her, you’ll feel like an asshole because you do love her so much, and you are leaving someone who desperately needs your support. However, since those are your only two options, I recommend you break up with her. But for both your sake and hers, I want you to leave her in as stable a place as possible upon your breakup.

This means a few things. First, give her the apartment. Don’t make her the one to move out, even if this was your space prior or you’re on the lease. Clearly, she’s not in a place to move and find another apartment. You are able to, so you should.

Second, don’t break up with her and immediately move out—that would be ripping the rug out from underneath her while she’s already shaking on unstable ground. You can tell her: “You know how much I love you. You know how much you mean to me. But over the past year, instead of helping to pull you out of your depression, I’m actually sinking into it, and starting to experience depressive symptoms myself. So I have to move on and get myself healthy.” (Or say something along those lines.) “But I do want to help you be in an as stable a place as possible before I move out next month.” How you go from there depends on her response, but do as you intended: try to get her on her own two feet as much as possible before you move out.

Third, reach out to her parents and friends. If they aren’t already fully aware, describe the full extend of your girlfriend’s depression. Then, let them know that you plan on leaving her, and want to make sure she has support in your absence. The more specific actionable items you can provide her parents and friends, the better.

“I think what would be helpful is texting her in the afternoon to see if she’s eaten that day. If she hasn’t, deliver her food via Uber Eats.” Or “Would you mind stopping by the apartment every few days just to check in and see if she’s eaten, showered, and gotten out of bed? If she hasn’t, help her with that. She might be slightly resistant initially, but it’s okay to say, ‘Okay, here we go,’ and physically pick her up.”

Depending on the relationship she has with her parents, maybe she moves back in with them. (If that’s the case, ignore what I said about you finding another apartment.) If you really think she’s unable to live alone, even with someone checking on her, then you should really advocate for her to move back home.

This transition period (i.e., the time between letting her know you’re leaving and actually moving apartments) will not be fun. It will probably be god-awful, but I think you will feel a lot better about your decision (with less guilt) if you don’t quickly abandon her. More broadly, I think it’s just the right thing to do.