I’m Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

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Dear Sexplain It,

I’m gay and a bottom, and lately, I’ve been feeling that sex is more work than it’s worth. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against the idea of having sex. It’s just that it seems like too much of a hassle. I’ve had a few hookups. I live in a small conservative town, so my choices are slim, but the hookups I’ve had have all been pretty dull: all that preparation for something that seemed like a waste of time and energy. That’s not counting the ones that have flaked on me at the last second when I’ve already gone through the work.

I can easily take care of myself with masturbating, and I’ll enjoy it more. Is there something wrong with me for thinking sex just doesn’t seem worth it?

— Sexually Conflicted

Dear Sexually Conflicted,

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for feeling that sex doesn’t seem worth it. I’m going to repeat this so it sinks in: There is nothing wrong with you whatsoever. Everyone has a different relationship with sex. Some people love it, craving (and having) it all the time. Then, some folks fall on the asexual end of the spectrum and don’t desire it all. Most people, like yourself, find themselves somewhere along the broad continuum between those who have a strong desire for sex and those who experience no interest in it.

But I understand why you might feel abnormal. We live in a sex-obsessed world (that ironically also shames sex). Additionally, the recent wave of sex positivity may have overstated its case. Here’s what I mean: A lot of the sex-positive movement spoke about how casual sex is totally okay. That’s true! If you want to have casual sex, taking loads every day of the week, do so freely, without shame. You absolutely should live your best life as long as you communicate honestly about your intentions and have sex safely.

That said, here’s a truth I believe was left out of the sex-positive movement: casual sex often sucks, especially when you’re gay and a bottom. Often, tops don’t give a fuck about the bottom’s pleasure. So you, the bottom, spend 45 minutes douching, only for a guy to show up, drop his pants, fuck you in doggy style for just three minutes without any kissing, cum inside you, and then rush out of your apartment.

You’re left with whiplash and a man’s load dripping out of your ass.

This is all to say: I don’t think you’re disinterested in sex; I think you’re disinterested in lousy sex—experiences that lack pleasure, arousal, and connection. This is an important distinction.

So, I’d encourage you to consider two things. First, if possible, look for a more serious relationship. Finding a boyfriend or a consistent partner can enhance your sexual experiences, as emotional connections often lead to better sex. And when you have a boyfriend, you two can grow sexually together because often sex gets better the more you have sex with someone. You learn what they like sexually, and they learn what you like, too. Also, a boyfriend—someone who cares about you—is more likely to care about your pleasure than a random dude who’s just looking to get his rocks off.

Second, if you choose to continue with casual encounters (and there’s no pressure to do so if it doesn’t feel worthwhile), communicate more openly with potential partners beforehand while on the apps. Let them know what you enjoy: “I like being kissed, having my ass devoured, and having longer, passionate sessions. Are you into that?” If you’re interested in fetish gear or toys, mention that too. See if you two are on the same page. If you’re not on the same page, it’s better to skip it and take care of yourself.

But if you do find a compatible match, you may discover that you do actually enjoy sex—you just need it to be good.